this is not JE fic because it's not pr0n.

This is kind of crappy and stupid as I finished it hurriedly but I know happiestwhen will love it all the same.

ikuta toma and the clever fanfiction title
harry potter parody meets toma ikuta (+yamapi) meets kpop miscellanous
pg-13
i don't own the boys, or harry potter. rowling - i'm sorry.
5,000+ words wtf




The train moved along the mountainside and Ikuta Toma watched the great view from so high above as he was on his way to Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry. He folded the letter he had received a couple of days ago open, and re-read the sparkling ink once more, no matter how much it hurt his eyes. Everything seemed so unbelievable.

“Hi Toma-sshi,” the letter read. “This is Teukieee, kekekeke. I'm inviting you to my school! Yes! It's called Hogwarts. You're sure to love it here, we just redecorated after I became the Headmaster after this awesome man called Dumbledore died. ;___; But now we're ready to start a new season! Join us! Yay.”

The Headmaster's autograph sparkled even more than the other text. Under it, there was a post scriptum.

“PS. You're a wizard! ^^;”

Toma sighed. He was a wizard. Moments after receiving the letter, there had been a knock on his door. It had been the Headmaster himself, along with a teacher of something called Transformations, a man named Kangin.

“No, I really can't leave.. I'm about to debut, Johnny-san told me,” he tried to explain to Eeteuk, but the Headmaster wouldn't budge.

“Nonsense,” Teukie had just said.

Kangin had nodded. “You're like, what, 20 something? It's over. Johnny's just lying.”

“I can't leave,” Toma had resisted but in the end, he didn't have to be dragged along. Maybe a part of him wanted to leave. Maybe a part of him always had.

*

On their way to the train station, riding something that seemed like a broomstick but could've just been a floating concentration of sparklies. Eeteuk had a thing for them, it was clear.

Kangin did not, but seemed to have a thing for Eeteuk instead. He was the one in charge of riding the sparkly whatever they were sitting on and kept glancing back but looked right through Toma and seemed more concerned for Eeteuk, barely hanging on, so into the sights they were passing – nightly Tokyo.

“See, our school's been sending you letters for years. Normally kids start Hogwarts at 11 years old and you're ..way past that age,” Eeteuk explained.

“It was only now that one got through and we decided to come and make sure you'd gotten it,” Kangin continued.

“Wonder what happened to the others,” Toma said.

“Johnny didn't want you to know your true identity,” Eeteuk said sadly. “He must've hidden the letters.”

“Wouldn't be surprised,” Kangin said. “He kept you in a closet, didn't he?”

“I'm not--” Toma begun but Eeteuk interrupted him.

“A closet, not THE closet.”

“Oh, a closet .. yeah,” Toma admitted.

“Cruel,” Kangin said sympathetically while Teukie placed his arms around Toma.

“We'll take good care of you, Toma-chan.”

“You're like two years older than him,” Kangin said to Eeteuk.

“So what? I'm still sunbae.”

Kangin gave the Headmaster a long-suffering sigh.

*

There was a knock on the door of the train compartment. Toma looked up and saw another boy around his own age.

“May I join you?” the other one asked, then eyed Toma carefully.

“Sure,” Toma replied.

The boy sat across him and was still staring at Toma.

“I'm Ikuta Toma,” Toma said, offering his hand.

“The Ikuta Toma?” the boy asked, eyes widening considerably. “I thought I recognized you.”

Toma looked down awkwardly.

“I loved Hana Kimi!” the boy exclaimed and shook his hand. “I'm Tomohisa Yamashita but you can call me Yamapi.”

“Nice to meet another Japanese person,” Toma said thruthfully.

“You're so fantastic,” Yamapi said excitedly. “I can't believe this, going to the school with the Boy Who Didn't Debut. My mum's going to be thrilled.”

Toma smiled awkwardly. Yamapi offered him candy.

“We're going to be friends, right?” Yamapi asked, chewing on the candy.

“Sure, I'd love to. We seem to be the only kids over 20 in here anyway.. It's a bit weird. Was your letter delayed, too?”

“Yeah,” Yamapi said. “But that wasn't anything strange, that was just the Japanese Post.”

“Make that the Korean Post,” they heard a voice from the door.

A girl with bushy hair was opening the door, dragging in her trunk of things.

Eventually she sat down next to Toma and eyed the two boys.

“Finally, some people my age!” she sighed. “I'm Heechul. Sorry about the hair, it's not usually this bad.” She patted it down, embarrassed.

“Hi, Heechul,” Toma said, glancing at Yamapi's expression. It wasn't happy.

“Who do you think you're to barge into our train compartment just like that?” Yamapi asked indignantly. “This is taken by me and my friend Toma here. Can you please leave?”

“No, she can stay,” Toma said but Heechul was already fuming.

“How old are you? You've got dirt on your nose,” she spat at Yamapi and then turned to face Toma. “Wait, you're Toma? As in .. Ikuta Toma? From Hana Kimi? I love Hana Kimi!”

“I love Hana Kimi more,” Yamapi said, annoyed, rubbing his nose. Heechul ignored this.

Toma decided he would either love these two, or be driven insane by them. For now, he'd just have to wait and see.

*

Somewhere along his first school year Toma noticed that just about everybody knew him as the Boy Who Didn't Debut. The story went, of course, that a dark lord named Honi Jamnoy (this was an anagram of I AM JOHNNY, Toma later discovered when his greatest mortal enemy – or so he was told – came to him in a dream to cackle sinisterly) saw the great potential and talent in one of his young associates and decided to trample and ruin their career so that they may never ever debut. Toma wasn't quite sure why people told this story as it seemed like quite a sad one, but finally he came to the conclusion that it was exactly that – he was special because he didn't debut and was still popular. He was one of a kind.

Students at Hogwarts really took him, and he developed close friendships with Heechul and Yamapi, along with some of Heechul's friends, like the twins Hyukjae and Junsu, who weren't really twins – everybody could see they looked completely different – but insisted that they were all the same.

“Of course, I am tons better,” Hyukjae said.

“Naturally I am completely superior,” Junsu replied.

“Junsu will always be below me,” Hyukjae said.

“Hyukjae can never top me,” Junsu said and they continued bickering and the more they continued, the more convinced Toma became that their sexual innuendo-littered bickering was just a show of their deep-seated love of each other.

Heechul and Yamapi were another case all together, their fighting not stopping until they went to bed – not together – or shut they mouths to put food in it.

“Do you ever stop eating?” Heechul asked Yamapi, irritated over one lunch (Yamapi had leaned in moments ago to whisper in Toma's ear – “I think she's on her periods”).

“I'm hungry!” Yamapi said, mouth full of food. It was quite ironic, Yamapi being probably thinner than Heechul herself.

“Regardless,” Heechul said. “Maybe we should finish dinner early and head back to the libraries to study.”

“It's the library, you stupid cow, you can't use a plural in that sentence,” Yamapi said spitefully and gulped down some pumpkin juice.

Heechul turned red in the face. “See if I ever help you with History of Magic homework again, Yamahisa Tomoshita!”

“It's Tomohisa Yamashita, Kim Heechul!” Yamapi shouted after her.

“Whatever!” she shouted without turning around.

“I hate girls,” Yamapi said and picked up his chopsticks once again. “You going to eat that?”

Toma shook his head as Yamapi emptied his plate.

*

“Wow!” an amazed Quidditch teacher said once Toma landed on his broom. “You're incredible! A natural!”

Toma wanted to point out it was easy to stand out as a talented one when you were over ten years your classmates' senior – which was weird but did not decrease his popularity – but instead he just nodded and headed over to see how Heechul was recovering from her fall earlier that class.

“It's a stupid damn sport, anyway,” Heechul said huffily and folded her arms.

“You're stupid! You could've gotten killed!” Yamapi snapped at her and left the Quidditch field without another word.

“What's with him?” Heechul asked. “Want to go study after this class?”

Toma didn't want to but neither did he want to hang out with a pissed off Yamapi, so he just went with her.

*

“Ikuta!” Kangin said as soon as Toma entered the classroom one morning. “The Headmaster wants to see you.”

Toma turned on his heels as he received jealous looks from the other people – kids – in his class.

The Headmaster's office was already occupied when he got there, however.

“In conclusion,” Teukie said to the shameful looking Hyukjae and Junsu, “it would be fantastic if you two could graduate during this decade. Doesn't it get tiring repeating your fourth year Merlin knows how many times?”

Teukie then looked up to see Toma at the door. “Toma-sshi, you made it! Now, scoot you two. Any more pranks and I'm putting you two in different groups.” He chuckled after saying it, but his tone seemed serious.

Hyukjae and Junsu left the office, grinning at Toma as they walked past him.

“What did you want to see me about?” Toma asked the Headmaster.

“It's about your parents,” Teukie said regretfully.

“Are they okay?” Toma asked, immediately worried.

“They're not okay, I'm afraid,” Teukie said sadly, but then broke into a smile. “They're awesome! Why didn't you tell me your parents rocked? I've never had so much fun at a parents' meeting!”

Toma sunk into one of the chairs in the office, breathing out in relief.

“Your mum even gave me a candy recipe to try out!” Teukie said, eyes sparkling with joy. “Have you ever tried lemon sherbets?”

“Yeah,” Toma said. “She makes them all the time.” He cleared his throat. “Is that all? Can I go back to class?”

“Sure, sure,” Teukie said, “I have all these smarties to sort out. So many colours! Tough, isn't it?”

“It truly is,” Toma said tiredly as he exited the office.

The entire class looked up when he walked back to his seat and sat down next to Yamapi, who was occupied pulling on Heechul's ponytail. Heechul on the other hand was busy reading their text book, looking for a way to transform Yamapi into something “positively alien”.

“Ikuta,” Kangin said, noticing the student. “How was the old man?”

“He was weird,” Toma said honestly.

“He's a great wizard,” Kangin said and sighed. “Just turned a bit funny in head when he turned 23.”

A hand raised. “Yes, Scorpius?” Kangin asked. The small rat-looking boy spoke his question with a tiny voice.

“No, he's really 23, there are no such things as wizard years.. Anyway, onto chapter 43 now, second paragraph..”

Toma opened his book when a note landed on his desk. He unwrapped it and read it. Heechul wrote, “I have something urgent to discuss with you. It's about You Know Who. Meet me in the library after class! PS. Don't bring Pi, he's annoying and smells bad.”

Toma rolled his eyes at the last line but at the same time, shifted closer to Yamapi to get a sniff. To his misfortune, Yamapi noticed this.

“What are you doing?” he asked and then snorted. “Homo janai!”

“Very funny,” Toma said but couldn't help but chuckling himself.

*

In the library, Heechul was excited to see Toma. Less so when she came upon the sight of Yamapi, who Toma found more or less attached to his side. Not that he minded it, but the combination of Yamapi and Heechul clearly was not working very well.

“Why did you bring him?” Heechul asked, miffed.

“Feminine wiles,” Yamapi answered and sat down, looking doubtful. “So what's this about, anyway?”

“Nothing you'd understand,” Heechul said and turned to talk to Toma. “There's a rumor going around about this thing called the philosopher's stone. It's supposed to give you eternal life and -” she lowered her voice, “I hear Johnny wants it.”

“I think he already has it,” Yamapi joked. “How old is he? 230? Like twice Gackt's age, if nothing else.”

“How does this concern us?” Toma just wanted to know.

“Didn't Eeteuk tell you about the Prophecy?!” Heechul exclaimed, then looked around, hoping nobody had heard her. “Don't you see? You're the key to everything, Toma. His life depends on you - not debuting - because when you finally do,” Heechul's tone began to sound grim, “he dies.”

“That's insane,” Yamapi said after a moment of silence.

“It's the truth!” Heechul snapped at him. “Everybody knows it.”

“It sounds very superstitious,” Toma agreed. “Plus it makes very little sense.”

“Well, I didn't write it,” Heechul said defensively, closing the book she'd been referring to. “Some woman named Rowling did.”

“I thought she wrote fiction works only,” Yamapi pondered.

“This book is pure fact,” Heechul insisted.

“Let's go to dinner, Toma,” Yamapi said.

Toma was more than glad to.

*

Somewhere between the end of Christmas holidays and Gryffindor winning Quidditch championships with the help of every over-aged student in their house (including Toma, but naturally being the Boy Who Didn't Debut he was greatly celebrated as the savior of the match), Toma noticed something strange. Heechul didn't actually ever go up to the girls' dormitories, but seemed to emerge every morning out of the door right next to their own dormitory.

Eventually he worked up the courage to confront Heechul about this.

“Heechul,” he began, swallowing. “Um, I don't mean to be rude or anything, you're very pretty and everything but ... are you a boy?”

“Er, yes.” Heechul raised an eye brow. “When have I not been a boy?”

“Of course,” Toma said, blushing a little. “Nevermind I asked.” Awkwardly, he punched Heechul's shoulder. “Bro!”

Heechul broke into a grin. “Homo janai!” he joked and punched Toma's own shoulder.

Toma laughed a forced laugh. He really wished people would stop making that joke.

*

Toma was going to tell Yamapi the very moment he'd next see his friend but when they met the next time, Yamapi was already livid.

“That stupid bloody Heechul!” he said and slammed a fist against the table they were sitting at in the common room. “You know that stupid ball we're supposed to invite girls to? Well, turns out Heechul is going to it with that stupid Romanian transfer student, you know the one who I punched after he wouldn't stop singing that Numa Numa song?”

“Why would you want to go with her, anyway?” Toma asked. “You don't like her.”

“Of course I don't. I don't like her at all, but when I acted upset she was all, 'Well, maybe you ought to ask me next time' and then she mispronounced my name again and I could've just kiss-- kicked her ass then, but you know, I'm a gentleman.”

“You sure are,” Toma agreed sarcastically. “Wait, you like her? Like like her?”

“No!” Yamapi exclaimed. “Well. Not a lot, anyway.”

“You're in love with her!” Toma realized, shocked.

“No, I'm not!” Yamapi coughed. “You won't tell her, right?” he then asked, worried.

“Pi, she's..” a he, Toma was about to say, but decided to save that for later. “She doesn't like you at all!”

“I know,” Yamapi admitted sadly. “Which is why I'm going to make out with this other girl to make her jealous. You know her, she's in our house. I think her name's Maki or something.”

Toma hit his head against the table. Intentionally.

*

Meanwhile, as Yamapi wrestled with the difficulty of liking Heechul (who was really a boy) and dating Maki, who was not as into making out as Yamapi had hoped, Toma was having difficulty with his feelings for Yamapi's little sister.

First, she really looked like a slightly smaller, female version of Yamapi and second, as if that wasn't creepy enough, Toma didn't know her name and was thus forced to call her Yamapi's little sister. He felt it was also too late in their friendship for him to ask her for her name without her getting offended.

“Hello senpai!” Yamapi's little sister told him with a huge smile on her face.

“Hello ...there,” Toma said awkwardly.

“You did great at the Quidditch field yesterday!” Yamapi's little sister said.

“Thank you,” Toma said. “It was nothing.”

“See you later, senpai!” Yamapi's little sister said as she waved him bye and went her own way.

Toma couldn't decide which was going to be worse – telling Yamapi that his best friend was in love with his little sister or that he himself was in love a boy he thought of as a girl.

It was all a bit too ironic, he found.

*

Headmaster Teukie was constantly seeking his company, which Toma found more than a little distracting.

“Headmaster,” he said. “With all due respect, I'm supposed to be in an exam right now.”

“Professor U-Know is very laidback, I'm sure he won't mind,” Teukie said. “Meanwhile, I got a new bird! The great past Dumbledore also had one. Mine's only a duck, not a phoenix but regardless.”

He stuck the duck out for Toma to see. Toma nodded, pretending interest.

“I can't decide what to name it. It's female, so I suppose a female name would only be appropriate.” Teukie looked thoughtful for a while. “Emily?”

“I'm very bad with English names,” Toma admitted. “Jessica?”

“You're right, Jessica's much better.” Teukie pet the bird. “Sweet Jessica.”

“Can I go now?” Toma asked.

“No, you can't, we have something of grave importance to discuss. It's about Johnny and -” Teukie paused dramatically, “- the philosopher's stone!”

“Oh, not that again..”

“It's very important to me,” Teukie said. “I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but I just want you to know, I care and I—”

Eeteuk sighed and placed a hand on Toma's shoulder, squeezing it.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Toma asked.

“If you can, get it for me.”

“For you?” Toma's eyes widened. “Headmaster, you don't need, you've got plenty of good years ahead of you..”

“What?” Teukie asked, confused.

“You don't need eternal life!”

“Ohhh, you thought I meant that philosopher's stone,” Teukie said, smiling. “That's funny. No, I was talking about the new Arashi single, 'Philosopher's Rokku'.. I figured, with your connections, you could probably get me a copy of it for free. Maybe throw in the new NewS DVD while you're at it?”

“I .. what?”

“It's not obligatory, of course, just a favor you'd do for a friend.” Teukie smiled. “Kangin-sshi hates it when I spend money on JE shit, he says it's a waste but Arashi's just so happy. Sparklies. Who wouldn't love them?”

“I,” Toma said, still trying to find the words, “will see what I can do, Headmaster.”

“Thanks, Toma-sshi,” Teukie said happily. “You're a gem! No, you're a rokku!”

Sometimes Toma really hated this school.

*

“So, your sister,” Toma began hesitantly.

“What about her?” Yamapi asked, chewing on a sugar quill. “Is she giving you trouble?”

“No, I was just thinking, your names..”

“What about them?” Yamapi looked at Toma. “You're not calling her 'Pinky', are you? She hates it. I hate it, too.”

“I'm not calling her anything!” Toma said. That was his problem. Literally.

“She's so irritating, don't talk to her, you're better off.” Yamapi looked at the parchment he was writing on. “How do you spell, 'lovable'?”

“L-o-v-.. Wait, what are you writing?”

Yamapi blushed. “Nothing.”

“A love letter to Heechul?” Toma asked, grabbing the parchment, which confirmed his suspicions. “Yamapi..”

“The whole Maki thing isn't working, I need a new strategy!”

“How about just being nice to her?” Toma suggested.

“Girls don't go for that,” Yamapi argued.

*

“Does Yamapi like me?” Heechul asked Toma one day at breakfast when Yamapi was still sleeping.

“I don't know,” Toma lied.

“He doesn't seem gay but he can't stop staring at my chest when he talks to me,” Heechul said, frowning. “It makes me feel oddly exposed. Can you ask him to stop?”

“Sure,” Toma said.

Something had to go.

*

So far so good, Toma thought. Yamapi hadn't threatened to kill himself yet. On the other hand, he looked pretty ready to.

“She's ...a boy?” he repeated.

“Yes,” Toma replied.

“How long have you known?”

“I only just found out, I swear.”

“So that means I'm ... I'm ..”

Toma wanted to make a Hana Kimi quote joke right about here, but then decided it wouldn't be very appropriate.

“She can't be a boy,” Yamapi then said, denying the whole thing. “She's so pretty. No way. She's a girl. Come on, of course she's a girl. I wouldn't have fallen in love with a boy.”

“Pi,” Toma began but Yamapi held up a hand to stop him from saying anything else.

“No, I'm not gay, you don't understand, Toma. I'm straight. I'm not one of you Johnny's boys who have gay fanservice written in their DNA. I like girls. I love Heechul so Heechul has to be a girl,” Yamapi argued. “Right? Right?!”

“Right,” Toma said, “but she's not. She's a boy. He's a boy. Heechul's been a boy all along.”

“But she's good at school!” Yamapi exclaimed desperately.

So far so good, Toma thought cynically.

*

Heechul couldn't stop laughing when Yamapi finally confronted him about the misunderstanding.

“You guys thought I was a chick? That's hilarious!”

“You're weird,” Yamapi said, annoyed.

“You're stupid,” Heechul countered. “And was that why you kept checking out my ass?”

Yamapi blushed. Toma felt bad for his best friend.

“We didn't mean to,” Toma said. “Your looks are very pretty.”

“Still,” Heechul said. “No wonder you never showered with me.”

Yamapi was turning even more red, avoiding Heechul's look.

*

Headmaster Teukie called Toma to his office one morning.

“Toma-sshi!” Teukie greeted him, even happier than usual. “So glad you came. This is very confidential so you mustn't tell anybody about this meeting or what happens here.”

“Oh-kay,” Toma said slowly.

“The thing is, I'm about to tell you something that might be very shocking to you.. It concerns your family.”

“Are they okay?” Toma asked, worried.

“Of course they are, your father's teaching me how to make sushi via letters. Anyway, do you know the notorious serial killer Blackie?”

Toma shook his head.

“His other alias is Padfoot, ring any bells?”

“No, sorry,” Toma said.

“Oh well,” Teukie said with a shrug. “He's your godfather!”

“What?!”

“Yeah, but don't worry, he's very cute. Come here, Blackie!” Teukie exclaimed and whistled. A small black dog made its way down the stairs and hopped onto Teukie's desk. “Toma, meet Blackie.”

“The dog...?” Toma just stared at it. “Is it .. an animagus?”

“No, it's actually just a puppy,” Teukie said with a smile. “Isn't it lovely?”

Toma didn't know what to say. Professor Kangin, who had just stormed into the office, however, did.

“What the fuck, Eeteuk!” he said and hurried to the Headmaster. “I thought I told you stay in your bed chambers for today.”

“Hogwarts can't run itself!” Teukie said, resisting Kangin directing him back up the stairs, the dog in his hands.

“So sorry, Toma, you can go now. We had a staff party and Teukie hasn't really recovered from the fun he had last night,” Kangin explained and nodded his head towards the door. “Just go back to class.”

“Can I take my godfather with me?” Toma said, amused now.

Kangin wasn't laughing. “You can have him back at detention, if you like.”

Toma left without another word, hearing Teukie still arguing, “Sort of inappropriate to take me to bed when I'm this drunk, Kangin-sshi..”

*

It was spring. Toma could feel it in his stomach whenever he saw Yamapi's little sister, that is, until Yamapi punched his stomach.

“You said you were feeling weird, like a monster inside you,” Yamapi explained. “Haven't you read our Magical Creatures text book? Tummy Monsters breed during spring, you have to kill them before they start acting up in your belly.”

“But with a punch?” Toma said, nearly crying from the pain.

“Whatever works,” Yamapi said with a shrug. “If that beast raises its head again, you just let me know, okay?”

“Sure,” Toma said grimly.

It was also spring in Heechul's mind, as he was finally seeing the very not-gay Yamapi in a positive light.

“The other day we were discussing ELF rights,” Heechul started telling Toma. “And while he's usually like, 'Those Super Junior fans are fucking freaks and should all be enslaved', this time he was actually listening to my arguments and agreed with some of them. I thought it was very sweet. He's quite cute, isn't he?”

“I suppose,” Toma said. Yamapi's little sister was cuter, he thought, but then again, they did look eerily similar..

“Congrats,” he told Yamapi later on before Quidditch practise. “Your love has finally blossomed.”

“I don't have a love,” Yamapi said. “Especially for that boy Heechul and even if I agreed with him on some stupid ELF issues, it doesn't mean anything and when he asked me to go watch the stars in the Astronomy Tower, it's for homework and it's not a date and we're not going to make out up there.”

“Um,” Toma said and grinned. “Homo janai!”

Yamapi hit the back of Toma's head with a broomstick.

*

It was spring but it wasn't all fun.

“I trust you will do your homework with care,” Professor Siwon said at Potions, “because if you fail these exams, your life will be forever ruined and I will also write evil smilie faces all over your test paper so you will feel even worse than you already did.”

“Of course, some of you are bound to excel no matter what,” said Professor Max at Care of Magical Creatures class, a huge smile on his face. “So do your best, hwaiting!”

“I'm going to fail everything,” Heechul said in utter despair.

“You? Fail?” Toma said. “Not possible. And how come we have these insanely difficult exams at the end of our very first year?”

Yamapi shrugged. “It's one of those strangely convenient things that just happens when the author wants to end the story as soon as possible.”

Heechul looked at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing,” Yamapi said. “What are you going to wear tonight?”

Heechul blushed. “It's not a date..”

“Of course it's not a date!” Yamapi agreed immediately. “I just wondered because, er, it might be cold up there.”

“Guess we'll just have to use each other for warmth,” Heechul joked and blushed even more.

Toma pretended he didn't hear that and Yamapi seemed happy doing the same.

*

“It's not really gay, right?” Yamapi asked the next morning over breakfast.

Toma choked on his bacon. “What?!”

“Well, I fell in love with him as a girl, didn't I? So what if he's a boy? In my head, he's a girl. Ergo, I'm straight.”

“Where did you learn a word like 'ergo'?” Toma asked.

“She said it last night,” Yamapi said with a huge grin on his face.

“How's your sister?” Toma suddenly thought to ask.

“She's like, dating boys or something. I don't really care.”

“The apple didn't fall far from the tree, then,” Toma noted sardonically.

“What?”

“Nothing...”

The tummy monster was raising its head but Toma wasn't going to tell Yamapi.

*

Teukie was worried.

“I hope Johnny's not trying to enter your mind now that it's at a fragile state, what with the stress of exams...” he said and trailed off.

“I'm not all that stressed,” Toma said.

“Still..” Teukie's face brightened soon. “Did you get my Arashi single?”

“Yes,” Toma said with a sigh, handing a cardboard box to the headmaster. “There's also a poster, stickers and the NewS DVD.”

“Excellent!” Eeteuk exclaimed happily. “You're not going to tell Kangin about this, right?”

“Your secret's safe, Headmaster,” Toma assured.

“Neat! I was going to teach you how to protect your mind but I can't wait to pop in this DVD so all that stuff will have to wait. Don't you love that Shige?”

Toma didn't answer and got up to leave. Teukie didn't even notice him, too busy pouring over the Arashi poster.

*

“Hello, senpai!” Yamapi's little sister greeted him a couple of days before the big exams. Toma's stomach lurched.

“Hiya,” he greeted him back. “Heard you've been dating, how's that working out?”

“Yamapi called me a slut, so I punched him and told the whole school he's dating a boy,” Yamapi's little sister said with a smile on her face. “How have you been?”

“Just fine, studying and ..stuff,” Toma finished lamely.

“Fantastic, see you around. Good luck with the exams!” she said and waved him bye once again.

*

“I hate boys,” Yamapi said when Toma next time saw him. “Now Heechul's upset with me because I denied our dating in front of the whole school.”

“Why did you do that?” Toma wondered. “You are dating.”

“Yeah, we are,” Yamapi agreed. “But I'm not gay.”

“But you're dating a boy...”

“Don't you dare say it or I'll fucking--” Yamapi threatened but Toma was already grinning.

“Homo janai!”

“You're the worst friend ever,” Yamapi said, annoyed.

Come to think of it, he was probably right.

*

The exams went fine and Johnny did not invade his mind as Teukie had assumed.

His Divinations exam did tell him he was going to die within 20 minutes but all considered, the exams went just fine.

*

Life after exams went as usual, and after Yamapi and Heechul had made up (and unfortunate for Toma, made out in front of him, too), all was well.

Eventually came the anticipated graduation ceremony where Eeteuk announced that finally the biggest troublemakers in the school, Hyukjae and Junsu, were graduating. Sadly they weren't in the school anymore, as they had been recruited to some abroad boyband.

“It's not that sad,” Teukie said while addressing the whole school. “They were really good dancers. I'll surely get their album once they debut.” Then, realizing what he had said, he looked around nervously. “Sorry, Toma-sshi...”

Everybody around Toma extended their hands to pat his back. He assured everybody he was fine.

“Anyway, besides the normal graduating class, we have some other proud graduates. Basically everybody who passed their end-of-the-year exams and is over 20 will walk away with a Wizarding Degree today! Yay!”

People looked around, confused.

Teukie sighed. “Well, it's sort of awkward but basically, we have all these new students next year and ... you're really big and we need the space and you're taking up too much space. And besides, you don't learn life at school, you learn life by living!” Teukie was grinning and turned to the teachers' table behind him. “Kangin-sshi, isn't this a much better speech than what you wrote for me?”

Kangin was busy burying his face in his hands.

“Wow,” Yamapi said, breathing in fresh air as they walked outside the school. “I can't believe we just graduated!”

“I know!” Heechul said, horrified. “We're going to have to start looking for jobs!”

“I already have a job,” Toma said.

“You're not going back to Johnny, no way,” Yamapi said. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

“And you're spending it with us,” Heechul agreed.

Toma smiled and suddenly thought he heard his mother's voice. “Mum?”

“Get up now, I said!” she was yelling and he felt a kick at his side.

*

He woke up. Just like that, he woke up.

After apologising to his mother for sleeping late, he hurriedly dialed Yamapi's number on his cell phone.

“Toma-san!” Yamapi greeted him happily. “How are you?”

“Tell me you're not dating a Korean popstar,” Toma begged him.

“I wish,” Yamapi said. “Ryo keeps me on a leash, though, it's awful. I'm sure Korean popstars would be much nicer to me. What's up? Should we meet up sometime?”

“Sure,” Toma answered. “And I'm not in love with your sister, I swear!”

“Uh, great,” Yamapi said. “You sound weird.”

“I just woke up,” Toma explained when his eyes came upon the stack of books next to his bed. “Wait, can you remember who bought me all of the Harry Potter books?”

“Wasn't that Jin? Yeah, he loves those books.”

“Remind him to kill him when I next see him,” Toma said and hung up, kicking over the books as he did so.

Who the hell ever said reading was good for you?